Self portrait January 2005 - Graphite Pencil on Sketch Pad
This is a self-portrait that I did for my first drawing class ever. We were charged with creation of a self-portrait and to put three things that mean something to us in the picture. I am wearing my necklace, which was given to me by my sister Jeanne to wear at her wedding which was in June 2004. I was the matron of honor, 2 months after Stephen passed away. That wedding meant so much to me because it helped me realize that marriage was until death do you part, and that I had to accept that part of my life to be over. Hard pill to swallow when all you want is to go back to when life was sweet.
In the background you see a box of tissues and my husbands ashes in a cardboard box. I promised him I would take them to his childhood summer get away in Booth Bay Harbor, Maine. It was his maternal grandparents (Ludwig) place, and he was very much happy as a child there. It took Stephen 9 years to get his Mother there (he told me the story many time) so I have 2 more years to do it. It was a very emotional time when I drew this picture, and I can see how much pain I was in. I’m still in pain, and will always feel sad that Stephen had to go.
Stephen always carried the pain of his Dad (at 10), Mom (at 25) and Grandma’s death (at 35) with him and it was a root cause of his severe bi-polar. We talked about it often and I sure do understand him more now that I have gone thru the sheer pain of loss of someone you love. It was the single most painful thing I have ever experienced and I got through it alive, however not unscathed. Enjoy everyday you have… this life is a gift of the most pure nature, and it is not something to be wasted or taken for granted.
But I am blessed again with love and a life that perplexes me daily. I know he would be happy that I found a way to live on and I continue to follow my dreams and I try not to dwell on it too much (but I still do).
Act of Faith – Rick Springfield
I tell you honestly,
Don’t you go and throw your heart away
I know it’s so hard to do
You’ve got to let go when you want to hold on
I know how much you miss him celebrate what you had
Don’t cry about the things left unsaid
It’ll do no good
You look for mercy and a meaning somewhere
You know that the hurting won’t go
‘Til you walk through the fire
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith stand up and face the day
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith, nobody can make you stay
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith
Maybe love will find it’s way back into your life
Here’s my heart my love is in it
Here’s my heart my love is in it
Stand up, don’t you fall
You just take good care of where you are
You’re thinking life’s through with you
That’s not what he’d want or what you should do
I know you loved him baby celebrate who he was
I know you know you’ve got to go on and live your life
Go down to the river of the spirit that runs through you
And lay yourself down in the healing waters
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith stand up and face the day
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith, nobody can make you stay
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith
Maybe love will find it’s way back into your life
Love is a healer
There is no purpose served in holding on
Love is a healer
There is no understanding why
Love is a healer
There is no sin in you that brought this to your door
My love, it just is
Here’s my heart my love is in it
Here’s my heart my love is in it
Here’s my heart my love is in it
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith stand up and face the day
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith, nobody can make you stay
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith
Maybe love will find it’s way back into your life
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith stand up and face the day
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith, nobody can make you stay
It’s gonna take an Act Of Faith
Maybe love will find it’s way back into your life…
RobinPickles 